And the hardest part wasn’t the actual lack of variety in food. The hardest part was mentally getting over the fear of eating something that would affect Owen. I remember starting to question my toothpaste (did it have trace soy?), my vitamins (they actually did have soy so couldn’t take them), Advil (was it coated in vegetable oil?) and even my shampoo (could I get in my mouth when washing my hair?) That was the hardest. The constant questioning and worrying and doubting.
It was at that point that my mom found a quote for me. I put it on my computer and would read it whenever I started really questioning myself and worrying myself sick. Because what I needed more than anything, more than assurances from doctors, more than proof that I wasn’t letting allergens slip into my diet, was perspective.
"If one reaches the point where understanding fails, this is not a tragedy: it is simply a reminder to stop thinking and start looking. Perhaps there is nothing to figure out after all: Perhaps we only need to wake up" - Thomas Merton
That quote said everything. Because when I really opened my eyes and looked at Owen, when I nursed him to sleep every night and saw him peacefully drift off, I knew that he was okay. And I knew that I was doing the right thing. Despite everything, he was thriving and he was happy.
And so, last night, I took a big step in overcoming my fear of allergens and Owen. I ate pizza and enjoyed it. So now we have to watch him for reactions. And maybe this whole journey with Owen and his allergies will be over. But regardless, the pizza was delicious and I enjoyed it.
1 comment:
What a lovely quote! I have been soooo impressed at your devotion for this year. No doubt you only did it because you thought it was best for your child. But what a tremendous relief to chow out on pizza!
Someday - when we actually meet in person - we should talk about all this. So much of your experience reminds me of my horrific ordeal in getting Soren to nurse. I look back on those 7 months - that is how long it took me to establish a "normal" nursing pattern - both with pride in what I accomplished and also compassion for the person I was, the person who set such unreasonable goals for herself. For it WAS unreasonable to do all I did. It made me crazy. But I just didn't know how to balance my craziness with what I knew to be the best for Soren. KWIM? When is ok for a mother to say enough? It is a question I still don't have the answer to. But maybe that is what motherhood is all about for me.
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